


Like water cascading through a broken dam

by pigalle



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Hurt Lance (Voltron), I am still baffled over wHY THIS IS AN ACTUAL TAG, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Langst, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative, Pining Lance (Voltron), Scars, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Team Dynamics, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unrequited Crush, but it's because lance thinks it's unrequited, pretty much just a selfindulgent langst fic, see i know those two are contratictory, who did even come up with that?, why did someone come up with it?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-15
Updated: 2017-04-15
Packaged: 2018-10-05 19:17:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10315163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigalle/pseuds/pigalle
Summary: Lance had long tried to come up with something that would be worse than being the fifth wheel, something that would make it feel a little more bearable. He had figured one thing out eventually, but if something it made the situation worse. Because what could be worse than being the fifth wheel in a group of seven people in a huge spacecraft? Only one thing. Being the seventh wheel.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Short first chapter - this has been sitting in my drafts for some time now, with the tags, and would soon get deleted. There is more to come, don't worry about that
> 
> Names and ages of Lance's siblings are taken from [Dirty Laundry](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7454385) by Gibslythe, because my mind was too stuck on those to form my own.
> 
> (Also, if you're reading my yoi WIP: I'm sorry that the update is taking so long, I'm working on it.)

Lance had long tried to come up with something that would be worse than being the fifth wheel, something that would make it feel a little more bearable. He had figured one thing out eventually, but if something it made the situation worse. Because what could be worse than being the fifth wheel in a group of seven people in a huge spacecraft? Only one thing. Being the seventh wheel.

With time Lance came to fit into his role, making it in his head to be more integrated into him. If he just thought about it like it was his role in the group, it somehow became more bearable, something he could deal with constantly having in the back of his mind. He wasn’t anyone special, didn’t contribute with something specific to the team. He was even just a leg in Voltron, and heaps of people do completely fine with one missing leg! What it all boiled down to was that the team would do just fine without him. Maybe they would even like it better, if their constant complaints over his comments and flirting was anything to judge from.

They probably wouldn’t even miss him — and hey, the positive thing with his family probably already thinking he was dead? No one would miss him if he actually was.

Just the mere thought of his family hurt something deep, a jagged cut running all the way into his bones. He missed them, loved them, cried over them. The way things were right now, he would probably never see them again. What about Josie, who was only six, would she even remember him? Before he left earth she had only seen him through video calls for a very long time — what was to say she wouldn’t forget him as she grew up? And Benji and Cleo, only 13 and 11, would they be able to really remember him as time passed? Would he fade from their memories eventually? His parents and Daniel and Sophia — who were both older than him with their 22 and 20 — they would probably remember him, but at what cost? How would they cope with that?

A sudden thought struck Lance, stealing the breath from his lungs: How long had they already been dealing with his death? How long had it been since he disappeared from earth and the Garrison must have told his family he was dead? Time seemed completely different in space, and so Lance couldn’t tell if it had gone weeks, months, years on earth. Maybe his family had already gotten over his death? Maybe his family had already gone on with their life? Daniel and Sophia both had already begun further studies when Lance left for the Garrison, and with the tons of work they said they had, they wouldn’t have time to think about simple Lance, middle sibling of the middle siblings, who had left home to study so he could leave home even more thoroughly.

Maybe his family found it a relief not having to worry about him in the future. Maybe for them, thinking he was dead  would be better than knowing he was in space and not being certain when they would see him again. Maybe it was simply better for them if he was dead.

~~~~~

Lance was sitting on one of the couches in the social room the team sometimes met up in, listening as Pidge and Shiro told the others about Matt. Shiro’s voice was laced with a sense of pride over his former team mate, while Pidge was like someone had dipped it in family affection and love, making Lance’s heart ache a dull pain of longing. He missed his family, wishing he could get to see them again. Wishing he had always had as much direct affection as Pidge made it clear they’d had in her family. Being a middle sibling is hard enough, being the middle of the middle siblings is just painful.

* * *

Lance was four when he got his first younger sibling. Suddenly his parents didn’t have time for him anymore, and Sophia and Daniel were more interested in little Benji, Sophia even going as far as calling Lance annoying when he wanted to play. Maybe the situation would have gotten better as Benji grew up, so the two of them could play together. But no, Benji was born with a heart desease that Lance at the time was too small to understand meant they couldn’t play together. When Benji was strong enough to play in small amounts if Lance was gentle, both Sophia and Daniel were at an age where they didn’t want to play with their  _ little brother _ .

Two years after Benji was born, little Cleo came into the world, and once again Sophia and Daniel had more interest in the baby than they had in Lance. So had Lance, but whenever he wanted to hold Cleo or just interact with her, Sophia or Daniel were there to take her from him, saying it was their turn, or their parent would say she needed to rest.

So Lance grew up feeling isolated — being the annoying little brother to Daniel and Sophia, Benji being too weak to really play, Cleo too young, and his parents too busy. Sure, they had a huge family, but the rest of them were all still in Cuba except for Lance’s aunt, but she rarely visited with her kids.

Starting school made things a bit better, but after a while Lance noticed the other kids not really seeming to want to be his friend. They’d chose someone else, or say they were already enough kids in the group, pushing him out. So he began entering the roll of the jokester, thinking that maybe they would like him better if he was funny. It helped to an extent — except with time he got in trouble with the teachers for interrupting class and for having low grades.

His parents were disappointed with him. They said they expected better, that they didn’t have time to constantly come to school because he’d been sent to the principal. Lance tried to change after that, made sure he didn’t get in trouble with the teachers, but made sure he was still the confident jokesters his peers liked.

And so came Josie into the world, another kid to take his parents’ attention away from Lance. Lance still loved her. In the end it wasn’t his fault his parents didn’t have time for him, not her fault Lance felt isolated.

Late during middle school, Lance came to a revelation that made him feel even more isolated, shrinking in on himself. He didn’t feel he could talk to his parents about being bisexual, and it never felt fully accepted in school. Moving up into high school only made his feeling of isolation worse. No one had told him that teachers would be skeptic towards him because he was from Cuba, no one had told him that there would be homophobic students, no one had told him that going to high school would make all his feelings worse.

When Lance came back home from school he would lock himself in his room to curl up on his bed, trying hard to cry in silence, so no one would hear his sobs.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on tumblr: [jennypigalle](http://jennypigalle.tumblr.com) and [pigalleonwattpad](http://pigalleonwattpad,tumblr.com), where you can always find a reblogable post about the work.


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